Assault Troopers by Vaughn Heppner

About 25% into the Audible Narration, I began to feel that the song, “America, f$ck yeah!” was written as a spoof of this book. Super macho, lone wolf, bad a$$, bullet proof, survivor battles aliens in the face of defeat – and takes names while chewing bubble gum. It was so over the top, I felt hair growing on my chest – and I’m a woman. But at the same time, it also elicited grunts of disgust interspersed with giggles at the silliness. If there is an antithesis to a bodice ripper, this is it. What Johanna Lindsey does for women’s fiction, Vaughn Heppner exuberantly does for men’s fiction.  Can you enjoy either if you are the opposite gender? oh sure.  Will you enjoy it?  That’s another question.

Story: Creed (because one word names with double meanings are much more macho) survived a decimating alien attack on the Earth by virtue of being in the arctic babysitting  some scientists. When he stumbles upon an alien ship, he decides to save the Earth by jumping on board and nearly single handedly killing anything that moves. Because, hey, NO ONE destroys America (oh yeah, and the world), and lives!!  Throw in a bunch of stereotypes (even a sexy Russian-accented rocket scientist super model with ‘great t*ts’) and you get the idea of what happens next. Carnage ensues.

I’m sure many would argue not to take it so seriously and just enjoy the ride. For me, I’d happily do so if the writing wasn’t so annoying. Unrealistic stereotypes of macho manliness and objectified women aside, the very first bit of the story started to annoy. E.g., we get a rambling prologue where the narrator finally ends by saying he’ll start at the the day he met his first alien. But when the next chapter starts, he starts rambling about his WHOLE HISTORY forever until FINALLY we get to meeting the alien. Seriously – editing anyone?  By the time we get on the alien ship and meet the rocket scientist super model, all he notices is her abundant chest area.  In detail. Because, hey, a girl with a great rack is ALWAYS going to be more interesting than worrying about dying from the aliens after him. I figured right then that if the author isn’t going to take the story seriously, then neither would I.  And so it was time to find something else to read.

I’d tried the Fenris series with no luck either – so I’m guess I lack the sense of humor or y-Chromosome needed for these books. I’m sure there are a lot of readers screaming, BOO YEAH!!! and pumping fists in the air while reading this book. Me, I was thinking that a South Park version of this story with Stan and Eric shooting up the ship might have been more realistic (and more fun). The phallic ships on the kindle version should have given me pause before purchasing, I guess, since they are indicative of what’s inside.

I listened to the Audible version and the narrator did a decent job (with what he had – not one snicker in there).

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